Humanz is not that bad

And Hugh can and will prove it.

Shhh, shh shh shh… I know what you’re thinking. “He’s at it again, in article form!” You’re rolling your eyes, you’re turning the page, you’re calling your congressman. Relax. Take your coat off. Stay a while. Thaaaaaat’s it, nice and easy now. Daddy’s here. Would you like a drink? White Russian, perhaps? Coming right up, my friend… Because that’s what you are, a friend. We’re all friends here… and Humanz is a better friend than you. Let me tell you why.

Humanz will always be there for you

Now that’s the nature of any record, isn’t it? It’ll always there for you, seducing hapless listeners into just one more go-around. One more fuck and it could own you, that’s the thought. But, have you always been there for it? If your first listen to Humanz wasn’t largely positive, or if you didn’t like Hallelujah Money when it first released, or if you’re just a cold cynical bastard without love in your heart, perhaps you haven’t gone back to it very often.

Perhaps you’ve grown biased towards certain parts of the whole, or even the whole of the album itself. Perhaps you were upset that ‘2D’ wasn’t crooning in your ear for the majority, so you put Busted & Blue and Andromeda into a little box and put the rest out with the dirty linens. That’s okay, no one’s judging… but it’s not very friendly to act like that, now is it? Look over yonder, what do you see? The sun is rising, and Humanz is shining brightly, begging you for another chance. No matter what mood you’re in, the album will have something for you.

Feeling lonely? Throw on Busted and Blue or Submission. Are you amped up on amphetamines and questionable energy? Throw on Momentz or Submission. Do you just want to groove? Throw on Sex Murder Party or Submission. Trying to go absolutely wild? Give Submission a spin! Humanz has been given some flak for retaining a similar soundfont throughout, consisting almost entirely of electronics, but really it’s quite varied. While almost every sound is synthetic in origin, they add onto the different tracks in very different ways, and lend almost every song a very different feel. Humanz will always be there no matter what you’re feeling, and it’ll lend you a helping hand. I can’t say that you have treated it with as much decency and warmth.

Azoo says… *Lucifer, probably.

Humanz is a good time

Let’s face it, old chap. You’re a bit of a downer. Always ranting and raving about your lady problems with tears in your eyes and a drink in your hand. We get it mate, you aren’t happy with the way things are. But you forget, this is a party and you’re really killing the vibe. Check out that Humanz guy over there, in his amazing technicolor t-shirt. He’s having a great time, the personified life of this party!

Sure, the nukes may be dropping outside, and he won’t let us forget that, but he’s not letting that stand in the way of our good time! Hey, what is he… I don’t believe it! Even while providing so much energy and good-time-goof-gas to this gathering, he’s still making time to check in with everybody individually and make sure they’re feeling okay! This man isn’t just a good time, he’s a goddamned saint! Oh shit, he’s coming this way. Be nice to him, will ya? He only wants to make you feel better…

Humanz has a big dick

Just look at the size of it!

Azoo says… * And when I want a drink, I go to the fridge.

Humanz isn’t selfish

What do you mean, you’re not gonna share your juice box? I want a juice box! You’ve got three juice boxes, asshole! You’re not even thirsty! I’m gonna go hang out with Humanz instead, he always shares his toys! When I want funk he gives me Strobelite, when I want rock he gives me Charger, when I want disco he gives me Andromeda. He’s always got something for me!

Sure, maybe all the rooms in his house look the same, but they all feel different. I don’t know if he’s got something going on with his air conditioning or what, but even if he’s got the exact same furniture in all of his rooms, they’re laid out differently and the air is scented uniquely and there’s a different person relaxing on the couch… Your house might have more rooms, but they’re all dirty, and shitty, and bad… And they smell. And you won’t give me juice.

Humanz’ friends are better than yours

Oh, have I come at a bad time? You’ve got some friends over? Let’s see…. Mike, Sherry, Cain, Yukiko, I see Arthur got lost on his way here again… that’s it? Pretty routine display of bores you’ve got lined up. I hope you don’t mind that I invited Humanz to this…. thing.

Yes, he’s bringing friends! His friends are hot shit! Why would you plan a get together without Kali Uchis looking fine, why would you throw a party without Grace Jones busting out her famous Whirly-Dirly? Pusha T is bringing cookies! Your friends are pretty cool when they’re on their game, sure, but they aren’t always on their game. Humanz’ friends are always on their game. Carly Simon! She’s gonna put on a cowboy hat and sing Mockingbird! Mike’s just gonna get mad and start throwing shit. Humanz wins.

Azoo says… I was at this party, and Murdoc tried to give me a big wet one behind the bushes in front of the Spirit House. How did the Spirit House fit into another building? Why, through the Gorillaz App of course! With this app, you can explore all the crevices of the Spirit House and meet 2D, Noodle, Russell Hobbs (he sold me a can opener), and that one ugly fuck. What are you looking at?

PHEW. Finished your drink? Good, get out of my house. I’m sick of talking at you. Don’t know why I bothered being polite to you in the first place. I don’t want you on my side! I’m happy enough by own damn self! I’m not lonely! Look, I’ve got this cupboard filled with various dolls and records. They understand me! I’m sorry, Velma, I won’t raise my voice again…. You. Go away. I’ve got a hot date with this Laura Palmer funko pop…