A Rotten Apple on the Apple Tree

From Gorillaz.com, February 25th through May 7th, 2003

Russel: We’ve been in deep discussions and training for our film. 2D’s been having extensive vocal coaching to give him a big screen accent. At one point it was suggested that Mel Gibson should do his voice but 2D thinks he should do it.

Murdoc: The trailer they’ve given me is enormous. Beats my old Winnebago. So I get to hand pick all of my leading ladies and, er…audition them inside my trailer. 2D spent all this month sitting in his pants eating Wagon Wheels, trying to learn his lines for the film. He can’t remember any of them.

2D: I’ve only got one line to say and I remembered it ages ago. It’s this:
“An ape walks into a bar and orders a drink. The
bartender gives it to him and says “that’ll be £25.” A
minute later, the bartender says “We don’t get many
apes round these parts”. The ape replies “I’m not
surprised at those prices.” See?”

Russel: So, yeah there is a film in production.

The collective Gorillaz devotees: *laughs!* *cheers!* *speculates!*

Gorillaz is an absolutely terrific idea, wouldn’t you say? Sort of like the ultimate commentary on the commercialized rock band, wherein not a single artifact or tidbit could ever be taken as anything but fiction. When you really think about it, cartoon bands had been around for years (Deep Blue Something, anyone?), Gorillaz just came right out with it.

Whoever is responsible for making Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewitt flat mates deserves a medal, or a placard, or at least some sort of toast.

One especially innovative direction the boys decided to take with their fake-band-with-good-music idea was the interactive element. The different characters got right down to the nitty-gritty of the internet community and fielded fan questions, played out silly little melodramas, and generally acted like a bunch of apes.

The Gorillaz fans are a loyal, expectant breed.

In the peak of their unexpected success, various, attractive movie offers began to fall at Jamie and Damon’s now gold-studded feet. Predictably, with the glimmer of cash and longevity in their eyes, they snatched up the opportunity to commercialize the anti-commercial like a couple of underfed goldfish. After all, Tank Girl had a movie, didn’t it?

Oh, right. Crap.

In keeping with the band’s direction, Jamie and Damon made the call to spill the beans rather pre-maturely, on the official message board, through a series of captain’s log style posts. As a result, everyone and their mother was abuzz about the prospective film and all it would entail.

To quote every celebrity television biography ever thrown together, “And then it all came crashing down.”

When the whole movie business failed to come through, it sparked a full-on abandonment of the fans, not only from Damon and Jamie, but from the Gorillaz Partnership, Josh and his official fansite, Parlophone Records, and everyone else with their respective hands on a button or lever. The damage had been done, and the blood was on the hands of many.

If Phase 1.5 and its port-a-cabin were the ruins of Phase 1 and its Kong Studios, then the Gorillaz movie was the wrecking ball of Phase 1.25.

The very thought of it still makes me sick. How dare they bait-and-switch us; their accomplices, their friends? Murdoc, Russel, 2-D, Noodle, Damon, Jamie, were these just more false icons, pop-culture heroes who’d lost their way? Had we backed the wrong horse?

Eventually, reason overcame. This movie thing wasn’t the apocalypse, it was just a mistake. A blip on an otherwise squeaky clean radar.

So far, everything’s back to normal. Our trust has been redeemed. Remember? The Gorillaz fans are a loyal, expectant breed. Picture us being that pretty blonde girl on the exploitive women’s interest film, and Jamie and Damon are the drunken husband who gave us the black eye. Sure, he may be a luggish brute with an awful track record, but we can’t leave him. There’s too much love under all of that muddy exterior. We’ll always come running back, practically begging for a fresh shiner.

And until that next shiner hits, and we’re forced back into the cold, here’s to the Gorillaz movie:

A positively shit idea.

Wazawaii isn’t free. It takes folks like you and me.

(Opinions are the columnists’ own and do not necessarily reflect Gorillaz-Unofficial’s views)